Post Miscarriage--What Happens Next?
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I bought this beautiful antique cradle when I was pregnant with my first child. When I saw it in the thrift shop, with the $60 dollar price tag on it, I bought it without a second thought. I didn't even think of how I would get it home in my tiny little Pontiac Sunfire. The store owner and I managed to squeeze it into the backseat, but it was quite the spectacle! The cradle was in beautiful shape for being as old as it was and I envisioned my future baby sleeping soundly in it like a little angel. I had some new custom made bumpers and a little blanket made to match. My two girls both used this cradle from the time they came home from the hospital and slept in it beside my bed for a couple months, until they outgrew it. Over the years it has become a home for various stuffed teddy bears and dolls. I kept it for all these years, hoping that one day I can give it to my girls for their babies to use. Of course when I found out that we were having a baby, I dusted it off and was sad to find that it had a little broken spot and needed a small repair. I called my handyman and asked if he could fix it for me and he came to pick it up. A few days later, he phoned to tell me it was fixed and ready. We drove to go pick it up and I was very happy with the almost perfect old cradle! The wood wasn't an exact match, but for a piece that was half a century (or more!) old, it was a fine job. I couldn't wait to watch one more baby sleep in this cradle beside me.
And then, less than 24 hours after picking it up, I had my 10 week ultrasound and found out my baby had died.
My D&C (dilation and curettage, a procedure to remove tissue from inside your uterus, usually performed after a miscarriage) was booked for the morning of Wednesday, January 22nd. Surgically, it went well. Both me and my partner were treated with such kindness from all reception staff, nurses and doctors. They all knew why we were there and they were very much aware that we were both really hurting from this loss. Will was able to stay with me in pre-op as long as I wanted, but I did send him out to the waiting room before they started my IV because needles make him squeamish. I also wanted a little bit of time alone to reflect on what was happening and to say goodbye to the tiny baby that was still with me for just a short time longer. I also saw the scale heading toward me and there is no way I was letting my man see that I weigh more than his skinny ass! (I mean, he has eyes, so he already knows it, but he didn't need to see that number!)
The anesthesiologist came to see me and have me sign some paperwork and actually turned out to be someone I know from a club we both belong to. By coincidence she was my anesthesiologist that day. She took a look at my chart and saw what I was in there for and just looked sad and said "Oh I'm so sorry Brooke. I'll be in there the whole time keeping you safe." That made me feel comforted, not just her words, but I felt like I had a friend with me.
On my ride from the surgical prep area into the operating room, I got a bit emotional and teary eyed and those tears then turned to a full on cry fest. The nurse wheeling me in stopped, gave me some kleenex and told me that we didn't have to go any further until I was ready. I said in between sobs "The doctors and everyone are already in there waiting for me." She said "They can wait...you have waited for doctors before haven't you?!" I laughed, thinking about all the times I have waited for doctors in waiting rooms or the ER. I took a deep breath, wiped my tears and told her I was ready.
Just before the sleepy meds took effect, the nurse and my anesthesiologist rubbed my hair like a Mama would do. They all said that they were going to take really good care of me. And just as quickly as I fell asleep, I was awake again, groggy and craving some ice chips.
I rested in recovery and my nurse asked me if I had other children. I told her that I have two daughters at home. She said that she has two daughters in their late teens and then she leaned over and whispered to me that she also has a little angel baby.
As for pain, I came out of it really well. I managed the pain with Tylenol Extra Strength and took it easy on post op day one. I did get a bit stir crazy and went for a little drive with Will and the girls for some sorbet after school. I made dinner but requested the three of them to be on clean up duty and relaxed for the rest of the night on the couch with Netflix.
Of course I rocked the mesh hospital panties that my girls thought were absolutely hilarious. We talked about our angel before dinner and that we all have someone really special and really tiny watching over us.
This is usually the end of a miscarriage journey....physically at least. Unfortunately my story continues with the pathology results that came back and some more uterus drama that landed me back in the hospital. And I will continue to have my arms poked and prodded for blood for another six months! I am continuing to share my story not only because it helps me to put the words down but also in the hopes that this helps someone reading this.
The cradle is still in the back of my van. I just can't bring myself to bring it into the house yet.
Brooke
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